Looking back over this lovely blog I've created, one thing stands out to me: how much emphasis I've placed on naming babies. Of course, the majority of people researching names are doing so because they're expecting. However, there are SO many other reasons to research a name!
For now, I'm going to focus on renaming yourself as an adult. A person might find themselves seeking a different name because:
They're reinventing themselves.
They're detaching their identity from an unpleasant past.
They're identifying with a different culture, religion, or gender.
They're changing their surname, and their first name suddenly feels like it no longer fits.
They dislike their given name.
They simply like another name better.
They've always wanted to.
The reasons go beyond these examples, of course. A new name can indicate a fresh start in life, and that happens along a continuum, as you can see from the examples above. Wherever you fall along that spectrum, here are some ways to approach renaming yourself.
Approaching Your Choice
If you don't already have a name in mind, you might consider using your middle name, a nickname, a name from your family tree, the name of someone you admire, a name that sounds similar to your given name, or a completely fresh moniker that you happen to adore. Research your name (browse here, for example, or look at a name book.)
I'd also like to give you a boost of confidence: LOTS of people change their names, either unofficially or legally, for many different reasons, and there's no shame in doing so! You don't have to explain your reasoning if you don't want to. You may encounter hurt feelings or surprise among family members, but you don't have to give up on something that feels right for you just because someone might get offended. The most important thing is being true to your own identity and wishes.
Decide How Formal Your Name Change Should Be
Not everyone wants or needs a legal name change. Some people simply use their chosen name at work, online, or with friends while retaining their legal name for official paperwork. Others change their legal name but keep their old name in certain settings. (For example, my childhood friend Jennifer has always allowed me to call her Jenny, even though she goes by Jen now.)
Whether or not you're going "legal," have fun updating your email display name, social media profiles, work directory, or other accounts where you want. Think about whether or not you'd like to include your previous name publicly. You may have privacy or safety considerations, such as escaping abuse, navigating bullying, or a gender transition, so please be thoughtful about where that information appears, especially in places where you can control its visibility.
Try Before You Commit
One of the great things about choosing a name as an adult is that you don't have to make the decision overnight! Try writing your potential name down, saying it aloud, or asking a trusted friend to use it for a while. Imagine hearing it at a doctor's office, introducing yourself to someone new, or seeing it on a name tag. Try it at a coffee shop. Does it feel exciting, comfortable, awkward, or just plain wrong? Give yourself permission to experiment. You might fall in love with the first name you try, or you might discover that a name you adored on paper doesn't quite fit in real life. That's all part of the process!
Telling Your Friends and Family
Before I give you advice on how to do this, I'm going to have to tell you a couple of stories.
My Renaming Stories
A couple of years ago, I decided on January 1 that I'd ask people to call me by my middle name. I told a few local friends and my parents. I printed out a name badge with my middle name emblazoned underneath a photo of me. I even remembered to remind people a couple of times, too. But, as George Costanza would have said, it "didn't take."
Why was it such a nonstarter? I wasn't brave enough to correct people, I sometimes forgot myself, and the people who talked to me most often in my life called me either "Mom" or "hon" (I'll leave you to figure out who!).
It didn't help that my kids hated the idea. They'd shudder and yell in overly dramatic horror at the sight of my name badge. Being a name enthusiast, I was curious: Did they actually like my given name, or was it just the fear of change that made them protest so much? As far as I could tell from their answers, it was a bit of both, though they actually preferred Laura to my middle name.
I moved on, deciding it wasn't meant to be, and became determined to enjoy my given name. I thought about all the things I love about it: the meaning, the sound, and its classic feel. I even thought about getting a tattoo—not of my own name, but of the symbolism behind it (a laurel crown).
Alas, my resolve lasted a good two years before I found myself musing to a friend that I liked the name Cora better than Laura. I jokingly asked her about it, and she quickly replied, "I'm going to call you Cora from now on!" I decided to take her seriously.
Call Me Cora
This second attempt at self-rebranding is going just as well as you might expect. My kids, and now my parents, shriek melodramatically at the sound of Cora. They both had the same reaction: "What's wrong with LAURA?!" And my response sounded so lame.
The truth is, NOTHING is wrong with Laura. I like it! The only thing I could really say was that I love names and simply like Cora better than Laura.
My ten-year-old daughter quipped, "Well, I like names, but I'm not changing mine!"
Honestly, she has a point.
What do my local friends think? I haven't even been brave enough to tell them.
My Advice
So, my friends, listen to me. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT "jokingly" rename yourself and then go about it halfheartedly. Sit with your chosen name for a while. Give yourself permission to experiment, but be clear with people about whether you're trying out a name or making a change you want them to adopt.
When you're ready and confident in your choice, tell the people in your life, "I'm going by ______ now." Tell them seriously. Then get ready to be gracious with both others and yourself as you get used to your new name.
Legal Considerations
If you want to pursue a legal name change, that's great! Courts generally allow name changes for personal reasons, including cultural and gender-related reasons, although the process and requirements vary by state. There are legal safeguards to prevent people from changing their names for fraudulent purposes or to evade law enforcement, so be prepared for some red tape.
If you're already obtaining a marriage license or finalizing a divorce, you may have an opportunity to change your name as part of that process. The options available depend on your state and circumstances, so check the rules before assuming you can change your first or middle name along with your surname.
Personally, I was shocked when it came time to sign my marriage license and my mom asked, "So, do you want to stick with Laura?" I laughed. I mean, we'd have to change the vows! There was no time!
To legally change your name outside of those circumstances, you'll generally need to file a petition with a court. There may be a filing fee, a waiting period, background checks, fingerprinting, or other requirements, depending on where you live.
A judge will review your petition and, hopefully, approve it. Once the judge signs off on your name change, you'll receive official documentation, such as a court order or decree. You'll then need to use the appropriate documents to update your records with the Social Security Administration (SSA), your state's driver's licensing agency, and other organizations, such as your voter registration office. You may also need to update your passport, financial accounts, and other records. Requirements for updating your birth certificate vary by state and by where you were born.
Some states require you to publish notice of your name change in a local newspaper, which I have to admit I find a bit appalling. (I get the reasoning, though. Don't come for me, government!)
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